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Old 02-06-2007
 
#1
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Default It was just a dream, right?

and so she grabs me by my arm and drags me to her books
stops to gaze into my cold, broken stare
she looks to her side and suddenly it's
"you've tougher than expected."


and so she stares at me deeply, newly,
stops to creep, ever closer, slowly,
her lips only whispers from my own she stops
it was just another heart-tease


Poem I wrote just yesterday... thoughts? Comments?
 
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Old 02-06-2007
 
#2
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 p3ngu!n is one BAD motha--SHUTCHOMOUF!p3ngu!n is one BAD motha--SHUTCHOMOUF!p3ngu!n is one BAD motha--SHUTCHOMOUF!p3ngu!n is one BAD motha--SHUTCHOMOUF!p3ngu!n is one BAD motha--SHUTCHOMOUF!p3ngu!n is one BAD motha--SHUTCHOMOUF!p3ngu!n is one BAD motha--SHUTCHOMOUF!p3ngu!n is one BAD motha--SHUTCHOMOUF!p3ngu!n is one BAD motha--SHUTCHOMOUF!p3ngu!n is one BAD motha--SHUTCHOMOUF!p3ngu!n is one BAD motha--SHUTCHOMOUF!
Default Re: It was just a dream, right?

Uhm, who moved this? This isn't a WIP... meh... I guess it fits here better.
 
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Old 02-07-2007
 
#3
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Default Re: It was just a dream, right?

I like it, it's a great poem. I can actually feel the emotion in it, unlike a lot of retards who write poems and don't put anything into them at all. Only thing I can see wrong with it is the last line of the first stanza.. it should be "you're" instead of "you've".
 
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Old 02-07-2007
 
#4
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Default Re: It was just a dream, right?

No. It's meant to be read in your mind as either you've [become] tougher than [i] expected or [you're] tougher than [i] expected or if your imagination allows it you've [got strength i never thought you could have, i underestimated you] but that might be giving away too much.

That's how it came out when I woke up from that dream. So that's how I wrote it. It was quite intentional.
 
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Old 02-07-2007
 
#5
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Default Re: It was just a dream, right?

I like it. It's personal without getting TOO personal. But, honestly, at first I kinda thought it was going to be a naughty poem. hehe. I was kinda hoping it WAS a naighty poem.
 
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Old 02-08-2007
 
#6
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Default Re: It was just a dream, right?

Aye. Thanks. It's a very personal poem but I hope I kept it unclear enough that it can apply to many situations.
 
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Old 02-08-2007
 
#7
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Default Re: It was just a dream, right?

Quote:
Originally Posted by p3ngu!n View Post
No. It's meant to be read in your mind as either you've [become] tougher than [i] expected or [you're] tougher than [i] expected or if your imagination allows it you've [got strength i never thought you could have, i underestimated you] but that might be giving away too much.

That's how it came out when I woke up from that dream. So that's how I wrote it. It was quite intentional.
Ah, alright. My mistake.. sorry about that. I hesitated before saying anything cause I thought it might be intentional.. but I didn't want to be an ass if it was a mistake.
 
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Old 02-08-2007
 
#8
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Default Re: It was just a dream, right?

Hahaha don't worry, it's constructive criticism. Just looking out in case there's a mistake. That's not a bad thing.
 
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Old 02-08-2007
 
#9
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Default Re: It was just a dream, right?

I thought your poem was beautiful, master.
 
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Old 02-09-2007
 
#10
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Default Re: It was just a dream, right?

Quote:
Originally Posted by p3ngu!n View Post

"you've tougher than expected."


her lips only whispers from my own she stops

These are my favorite stanzas. I like the first one a lot because I can actually hear it being said. (if that makes sense and doesn't sound dumb).

I like the second because at first I had no idea what it meant, because i never thought that whispers was a term relative to distance (assuming "from my own" means your lips as well) but i like how it flows.

To be honest, I did not think much of it through a first read, but after the second, it sorta stuck to me.

nice
 
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Old 02-09-2007
 
#11
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Default Re: It was just a dream, right?

I agree. Very nice Felix. I like it - a lot!

~LoA
 
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Old 02-09-2007
 
#12
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Default Re: It was just a dream, right?

you've [grown] tougher than [i] expected
her lips only whispers from my own [lips] she stops

Are what the two verses are supposed to be best understood as.

And thanks, both of yas. I'm really not a poet at all... that poem was just the product of a dream/nightmare. I'm literally telling the dream like it happened. When I woke up it just flowed through my head so I typed it up before I could forget. That's how it came out.
 
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Old 02-09-2007
 
#13
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Default Re: It was just a dream, right?

Maybe next time I have a fucked up dream (every night) I shoudl try writing out what happened.. Hmmm interesting concept.

Oh yea, there is one tiny little problem- when i wake up, im fucking tired, and when im tired, I don't write - i just go back to sleep. I highly doubt i would be able to acomplish what you have penguin. Nice work.

Damn, too bad.
 
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