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Bred 02-17-2009 11:39 AM

A short story, inspired by DavetheRave
Two officers were sitting in their cruiser outside of the local greasy shack. They were both enjoying the exact same meal; a bacon double cheeseburger and a strawberry flavoured milkshake.

“You know,” said the officer riding shotgun, between bites of his burger, “it’s kind of funny.”

“What’s that, Rookie?” replied the senior officer behind the wheel as he took a long drag from his shake.

“If you’re last name were my first name… I’d have a fuckin’ awe-”

Suddenly the radio cackled to life “Unit 69 do you respond.”

The senior officer groaned, put down his shake and picked up the radio “Yes HQ, this is Lieutenant Dave and Rookie Rave. What seems to be the problem?”

“We’ve got a reported 187 on the corner of twenty-fourth and nineteenth, do you wish to respond?” Lt Dave looked over at Rookie Rave. A globule of hamburger grease had made it’s way from his lower lip, rolled down his chin and was now making a nice stain on his tie.

“Lt… this is my first day on the job… I don’t know if I can deal with a homicide.”

“Listen Rookie, it’s going to have to happen one day. Today just happens to be the day.” Picking up the radio the senior officer replied, “Alright HQ, we’ll check it out. It’s only two blocks south from our current location. I’ll call in forensics if it’s true.” Lt. Dave hung up the receiver and proceeded to drive out of the parking lot.

“What do I expect? I mean how bad is it going to be? I used to get zits you see and I hated looking at those because they were disgusting, LT. DAVE IS IT GOING TO BE AS BAD AS A ZIT!” The rookie was panicking, but immediately tried to regain his composure. He was placed with Lieutenant Dave for this reason, the man was known as being a great teacher for the new cops on the force.

Cruiser 69 pulled up to the corner of twenty-fourth and nineteenth and the two officers disembarked. In front of them was a sealed green dumpster. Rookie Rave began to get the shakes.

“Now listen here Rookie. I know it’s your first day on the force. I know this is your first patrol mission. I know you’ve probably shit yourself three times and can’t wait to get home and massage your anus with your showerhead, but I want you to open that dumpster. You’re going to have to see something like this eventually, now is the time.”
Nodding, the rookie opened his door and got out of the car. He walked briskly over the dumpster, he was determined to impress Lt. Dave. Carefully, he opened the lid and then immediately slammed it shut. Rookie Rave ran to the side of the building next to which the dumpster was located and began violently vomiting up his cheeseburger. Witnessing this, Lt. Dave stepped out of the cruiser and walked over to the dumpster. He opened the lid, peered inside and slammed it shut. Rookie Rave was now curled in the fetal, rocking back and forth in his own vomit. The lieutenant wanted nothing more than to console him, but he knew what he had to do first. Walking over to the cruiser, he picked up the radio.

“HQ, this is Lt. Dave. We’re going to need forensics to come to that probable 187 you called in before. Yah. It’s bad.”


To Be Continued…

Lackey 02-17-2009 01:05 PM

Re: A short story, inspired by DavetheRave
LMAO That's disturbing! G-d would not be pleased.

Ace 02-17-2009 03:03 PM

Re: A short story, inspired by DavetheRave
You win one internets. That was hilarious.

DaveTheRave 02-17-2009 03:18 PM

Re: A short story, inspired by DavetheRave
I approve of this message.

Let me add my own twist to it.

After Lt. Dave called in the Forensics he went to try and console his partner, Rookie Rave. Rookie Rave was still curled up in a fetal position, sucking his own thumb and rocking back in fourth in dismay. Lt. Dave came up to him and squatted down and told him "It's OK, Rookie. It's OK...There was nothing you could have done to stop it. Lets go ahead and try to find the sick bastard that did this, eh?"

Rookie Rave stopped sucking his thumb and looked at Lt. Dave. Lt. Dave nodded his head, and Rookie Rave got up.

"I...I -- I just couldn't believe that people could commit such things...", said Rookie Rave.

"I know, but you have to keep in mind that this is what you came here for. This is why you enlisted to become an officer", said Lt. Dave.

"You're right. I just...I can't believe it. I didn't expect that from people", said Rookie Rave.

Lt. Dave told Rookie Rave to go put on the spare uniform that was found in the trunk of the police car. Rookie Rave changed, and then waited inside the car after further order from Lt. Dave.

"You won't want to see this stuff yet. You aren't ready. It's best if you wait here. Call up a family member, and tell them you love them. Call up your girlfriend and tell her you love--"

"But I don't have a girlfriend", said Rookie Rave.

"Then listen to some Apocalyptica. The CD is in the glove compartment, and I also have System of a Down as well as My Chemical Romance. Just blast the music, lay back and forget about everything. Here, take this."

Lt. Dave hands Rookie Rave a water bong.

"Lt. Dave, what is this? If we get caught--"

"Don't worry, we're police officers, haha. Just say you confiscated it off of some brownie", said Lt. Dave.

The forensics have arrived. Lt. Dave shut the car door, and walked over to the forensics.

"What seems to be the problem here?", said FBI agent Genocide Alive.

Lt. Dave opened the dumpster, showed him the crime scene, and FBI agent did a face palm. He took out his Ziploc Bags and his Latex gloves and put the evidence into the bag, and then sealed it up with the plastic Zipper that closes the plastic bag for you.

"That's the 7th time this week", said FBI agent Genocide Alive. "Whoever is doing this is a real fucking sociopath. Do you know what a sociopath is, or does your thick head not understand the simplicity that of what I am saying? I went to a very expensive school, and I will let you know that I am an excellent--"

"OK, I get it. You're an FBI agent, I'm an officer. Big deal", said Lt. Dave.

The police car which was shaking was now emitting sounds off of various metal/punk/rock bands. Rookie Rave was dancing in the car and causing the car to rock back and fourth. Rookie Rave was high.

FBI agent Genocide Alive looked at Lt. Dave with a serious frown which Lt. Dave did not like.

"What the fuck is he doing? Is he listening to rock and roll? That style went out of style. Here, listen to some techno."

"Dude, get back to the damn crime scene. I have to get home and actually see my kids when they aren't sleeping. I want to actually tuck my kids in tonight and watch them fall asleep. I can't normally do that.. ", said Lt. Dave.

"Oh, I already got what I came for. You will hear from me again. Don't come to this corner again or I will hold you liable for suspicion", said FBI agent Genocide Alive.

"Mhm, yes whatever. Good day", said Lt. Dave.

"Good day to you too, sir. Ta ta"

FBI agent Genocide Alive went back to his car, and did a sharp U-turn. On the passenger side of the car there was his partner, nicknamed Chaos who fliped Lt. Dave off. Dave spit on the floor and walked back towards his car.

"Rookie Rave, lets go home", said Lt. Dave.

Lt. Dave drived back to where he lives. He passed a Blockbuster and saw a girl standing at a corner. She was dressed fairly lightly, showing a lot of skin. Rookie Rave started to drool at the sight of this young, sexy lady. Lt. Dave stopped by the girl.

"Whatcha doin here, pretty?", asked Lt. Dave.

"Oh, me so horrny me so horrny me love you long time long long time. Me sucky sucky!", said the lady.

"Now Missy, I aint here to ask for any of your services. I need you to tell me who you are so I can take you over to my Rookies house. He needs some R&R, if you know what I mean."

"You get every ting you want", said the lady.

"Now, what's your damn name?"

"The men call me Sphynx, and I charge by the minute"

Lt. Dave drove off.

It is now 8:00 PM. Rookie Rave was invited over for dinner with his family. Lt. Daves wife, Gal, had made him a lovely meatloaf.

Rookie Rave tried some of the meatloaf that Gal had cooked.

"MMMMmm! This meatloaf is fantastic!", said Rookie Rave.

"What did I tell you? She makes the best damn meatloaf", said Lt. Dave.

"Honey, I brought you a present, here", said Gal.

Lt. Dave opens up the present and finds a nice 9mm. New, polished. Shined. And engraved "Shabbat Shalom" on the barrel of the gun.

Lt. Dave tucks his children and finds his wife waiting for him at the end of the hall. She is wearing a transparent dress which you could see straight through.

"Hold on one sec, babe."

Lt. Dave sets up the couch in the living room for Rookie Rave and lets him sleep on the couch while watching TV. Lt. Dave then goes upstairs and does the Star of David with Gal.

After prolonged intercourse, someone starts knocking on the door. Dave puts on some cloths, takes out his 9mm and opens the door. He expected someone other then his wackey neighbor, Dee McDemon.

"Stop cursing at me in Hebrew, you damn Jew"

Gal came downstairs (dressed up) and put McDemon into a headlock and threw him to his part of the lawn.

Dave and Gal contunued on with the night...

The next day

"Lt. Dave, could you help me find my cellphone?"

"Lt. Dave? Hello? Gal? Is anyone there?"

Suddently Rookie Rave hears a muffled sound in the other end of the room. He creeps up to the bedroom, to find dave tied to his matress, and Gal tied to a chair. Both are blindfolded, and both are wounded and bleeding.

Rookie Rave saw two people run into a car with masks on, and the car drove off. He checked the other rooms, and the kids were missing. He untied Lt. Dave and Gal and started to help them.


Expect the continuation later on today when I feel like it.

JT 02-17-2009 03:18 PM

Re: A short story, inspired by DavetheRave
"No! I must kill the demons" he shouted
The radio said "No, Dave. You are the demons"
And then Dave was a zombie

DaveTheRave 02-17-2009 03:24 PM

Re: A short story, inspired by DavetheRave
No, I actually plan on ending this story myself. I shall make it funny and very interesting, as well as happy.

And funny.

Ace 02-17-2009 03:59 PM

Re: A short story, inspired by DavetheRave
And then Davetherave got ahold of the storyline and turned it into a horrible narrative about who knows what. The end?

CheesePants 02-17-2009 04:35 PM

Re: A short story, inspired by DavetheRave

Originally Posted by DaveTheRave (Post 522058)

For the love of god... DON'T

GhostlyGal 02-17-2009 04:42 PM

Re: A short story, inspired by DavetheRave
Did my storified self just got laid with DTR's first name?

I... I'm full of mixed emotions right about now.

CajunMan 02-17-2009 05:05 PM

Re: A short story, inspired by DavetheRave
You can be full of my something if you want.

And DTR don't ruin the masterpiece its not as funny if you do it...

JT 02-17-2009 06:57 PM

Re: A short story, inspired by DavetheRave

Originally Posted by GhostlyGal (Post 522100)
Did my storified self just got laid with DTR's first name?

I... I'm full of mixed emotions right about now.

That boy definitely has some issues.

Grog 02-17-2009 07:11 PM

Re: A short story, inspired by DavetheRave
As creepy he is, what is BF without its share of DTR/ADX/HVs?

Lackey 02-17-2009 07:27 PM

Re: A short story, inspired by DavetheRave
If ADX and DTR merged, I think there would be some massive explosion resulting in a hellish creature that would post 24/7 every second of every day asking dumb questions and then telling us how we're wrong when we try to answer.

It would be unstoppable.

Ace 02-17-2009 07:30 PM

Re: A short story, inspired by DavetheRave
If ADX and Dave merged, i think the whole internet would just explode.

Meteora 02-17-2009 07:38 PM

Re: A short story, inspired by DavetheRave
^^I second that.

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